Monday, August 8, 2011

Wag of the Spoon: Tailgaters

Thanks for tuning in folks!  It's that time again...
 That's right.  It's another installation of WAG OF THE SPOON.  

As the post title explains, this Wag of the Spoon is intended for Tailgaters.  No, not the hellions that demolish college campuses across the nation during football season.  To those people, I raise a glass and a cheer for them because they are part of the reason why I enjoy football.
No, I'm referring to the other tailgaters.  The jerk in the residential neighborhood who seems to think the 35 mile an hour speed limit is intended for everyone else.  The asshole on the interstate who thinks that 90 mph is a safe speed limit and expects you to move and get out of his way so that he can prove once and for all that he is, indeed, Speed Racer.  You know who I'm talking about.  Dale Earnhardt Jr wannabees that seem to think that any time they pull their car out of their driveway, any form of pavement/concrete/gravel/greenway/etc instantly becomes their Daytona.  

You get the picture.  
Look, I get driving five miles over the limit.  I can even cringe at ten.  However, if there's someone in front of you that doesn't feel like breaking the law and decides to drive at the speed limit, back off.

I'm your nightmare.  Seriously.  I used to seethe behind my steering wheel when you guys would get behind me and ride on my tail.  I used to go into a full panic on the interstate and start speeding up just hoping to put a foot or two between us.  Inevitably, though, you guys would speed up anyway and close in the space.  
So you definitely get a wag of the spoon...especially now that I have a baby in the car.

Fortunately, Eric taught me a few years ago that rather than get angry and panicky over you fools, it's a situation where it's best to get even.  
So, here's your wag of the spoon with a warning attached:

I'm the driver you hate. Because when we are in a residential area and the speed limit is 35, if you tail me trying to make me go faster, I will, instead, slow down.  

I'll go down to 20 mph to get you off my back.  I've done it before so don't tempt me.

In the meantime, the rest of you, continue to drive safely and if you get stuck behind me, just lay off my ass and you'll get to where you need to be in plenty of time.  :)

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