The Top 10

I'm sure that everyone can agree that from time to time, people open their mouths and say things without realizing how their audience may react to their words or may interpret their words.  We've all done it.  Maybe it's that you just aren't thinking ahead about the other person or maybe you just really didn't think about it.

I've had a few instances so far in my pregnancy where I have to remind myself that I'm super pregnant and so what I'm hearing from other people is hopefully most likely not what they mean.

Either that or these people were really trying the hands of fate by fueling a pregnant woman's already sensitive temper.

So, for your entertainment, here is a list of things NOT to say to a pregnant woman.  Some of these have been said to me and the rest were supplemented from other people's stories. 

1. "Ugh...your face is so puffy."

No shit, Sherlock.  Please, take the time to describe how the rest of my body looks.  My stomach, my feet, my hair...any other brilliant adjectives come to mind?

2. "Aren't you ready to have that baby yet?" chuckle chuckle

Run away, little man.  Quickly before I am able to lug myself out of this chair and hurl something at you.

3. "Seriously, you must be crazy for even considering (insert topic related to pregnancy/childbirth/parenting)!"

For those of you who don't get this, it's not polite to question someone's decisions in regard to their child unless that child happens to also be of your blood as well...meaning DIRECTLY.  And why would you even suggest a pregnant woman is crazy to her face??  Of course she's CRAZY!  She's super hormonal, uncomfortable, has a baby that kicks her at all hours of the night which she's probably awake for anyway, and her body no longer looks or feels like her own.  So unless you want some serious retaliation and have a pregnant woman point out all your flaws as a parent, keep it zipped.  Unless of course the pregnant woman is discussing how her baby was immaculately conceived and therefore, she has decided to float it down the Mississippi River in a basket she's personally weaving herself the day after birth...in which case, just leave the word crazy out and try to come up with something a little more tactful.

4. "Are you going to really eat all of that?"

Yes I will.  And your face will now be my dessert as well.

5. "You are really going to name your child that?"

Yes, just like your parents bestowed you with that terrible, awful name of yours.  It's a growing experience to have children ridicule you because of your name.

6. "So...what about your plans for your life?  Didn't you have other things you wanted to do?"

oh crap!  I did!  Thank you for reminding me that becoming a parent is essentially suicide.  

7. "Oh man!  Aren't you scared of labor?  There's this one woman I know who (insert worst labor story imaginable).

Well, I wasn't scared five minutes ago but I'm freaking terrified now.  Thanks for ruining the rest of my pregnancy.

8. "Are you cranky today?"

Yes, today, just like yesterday and just like I will be tomorrow.  Bring it!

9. "Wow!  You are really starting waddle!"

How about I shove a watermelon up your butt and laugh at how you walk afterwards?

10. "Are you still pregnant?" Ha ha He he

So clever.  Yuck it up, asshole, because after I'm done being pregnant, you are the first thing I'm going to chase down after I get my hands on a martini.