Warning labels

First off, it must be said that I'm super cool because I have an iPhone.

 

I know.  Try to contain yourself.

One of my recent (and most fave) apps is the CNN app.  I like to think I'm a total yuppy about some things and keeping up with current events seems like a yuppy thing to do.

 

Or is it hipster?

I've never been good with labels.

 

HOWEVER

Here is a label that I can be good with:

 

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True confession for those that don't already know: I used to be a smoker.  I was never a "pack a day" kind of smoker; regardless, I was a smoker.  Key word: WAS.

But I think I can honestly say that if I was a smoker still, these warning labels would freak me out enough to keep me from picking one up again.

 

Especially the one with the mouth.

I have issues with gross mouth pics.

 

And Colorado has this fantastic campaign against meth use...however, this means that the state is littered with billboards that make me wish I carried sick bags in my glove compartment.

If you want to read more about the new cigarette labels,  check out the article on CNN.

The Top 10

I'm sure that everyone can agree that from time to time, people open their mouths and say things without realizing how their audience may react to their words or may interpret their words.  We've all done it.  Maybe it's that you just aren't thinking ahead about the other person or maybe you just really didn't think about it.

I've had a few instances so far in my pregnancy where I have to remind myself that I'm super pregnant and so what I'm hearing from other people is hopefully most likely not what they mean.

Either that or these people were really trying the hands of fate by fueling a pregnant woman's already sensitive temper.

So, for your entertainment, here is a list of things NOT to say to a pregnant woman.  Some of these have been said to me and the rest were supplemented from other people's stories. 

1. "Ugh...your face is so puffy."

No shit, Sherlock.  Please, take the time to describe how the rest of my body looks.  My stomach, my feet, my hair...any other brilliant adjectives come to mind?

2. "Aren't you ready to have that baby yet?" chuckle chuckle

Run away, little man.  Quickly before I am able to lug myself out of this chair and hurl something at you.

3. "Seriously, you must be crazy for even considering (insert topic related to pregnancy/childbirth/parenting)!"

For those of you who don't get this, it's not polite to question someone's decisions in regard to their child unless that child happens to also be of your blood as well...meaning DIRECTLY.  And why would you even suggest a pregnant woman is crazy to her face??  Of course she's CRAZY!  She's super hormonal, uncomfortable, has a baby that kicks her at all hours of the night which she's probably awake for anyway, and her body no longer looks or feels like her own.  So unless you want some serious retaliation and have a pregnant woman point out all your flaws as a parent, keep it zipped.  Unless of course the pregnant woman is discussing how her baby was immaculately conceived and therefore, she has decided to float it down the Mississippi River in a basket she's personally weaving herself the day after birth...in which case, just leave the word crazy out and try to come up with something a little more tactful.

4. "Are you going to really eat all of that?"

Yes I will.  And your face will now be my dessert as well.

5. "You are really going to name your child that?"

Yes, just like your parents bestowed you with that terrible, awful name of yours.  It's a growing experience to have children ridicule you because of your name.

6. "So...what about your plans for your life?  Didn't you have other things you wanted to do?"

oh crap!  I did!  Thank you for reminding me that becoming a parent is essentially suicide.  

7. "Oh man!  Aren't you scared of labor?  There's this one woman I know who (insert worst labor story imaginable).

Well, I wasn't scared five minutes ago but I'm freaking terrified now.  Thanks for ruining the rest of my pregnancy.

8. "Are you cranky today?"

Yes, today, just like yesterday and just like I will be tomorrow.  Bring it!

9. "Wow!  You are really starting waddle!"

How about I shove a watermelon up your butt and laugh at how you walk afterwards?

10. "Are you still pregnant?" Ha ha He he

So clever.  Yuck it up, asshole, because after I'm done being pregnant, you are the first thing I'm going to chase down after I get my hands on a martini. 

 

Bedtime for Bonzo

Have I ever mentioned how awesome I am at Paint?

No?

You are in for a treat!

After my recent post about pregnancy symptoms, I thought I should share with you an image of what my "situation" looks like at night.

BAM!

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Come on...how am I supposed to avoid an obvious reference to Jersey Shore?!?!

Moving on...

so here is my gorgeous depiction of what bedtime looks like for me.

What up!?

Unsponsored

There are thousands of pregnancy/childbirth books out there.

 

THOUSANDS.

And they all hold lots of information for you.  Information that can potentially prepare you and arm you for what's to come.  Here's a small warning though:

There is so much information out there in regards to pregnancy and childbirth that it's VERY easy to become overwhelmed.  Especially when your hormones have tripled and are running a boot camp that rivals the Marines.  There's so much information about what you can do, what you can't do, and let me tell you, EVERYONE has an opinion and they are NOT all the same.

That being said, there are only two books that I recommend for pregnant friends.

Note: this is not a sponsored post.  This is totally my opinion and I'm not receiving any reward for writing this post.  But if someone wants to ship me some ice cream because they like this post, let me know!

 

What To Expect When You're Expecting

Get it on amazon!

A friend of mine told me that she loves this entire series.  She has two toddlers now (ADORBS!) and said that these books have really helped her.  I got the one above at the beginning of my pregnancy and have read it faithfully throughout my pregnancy.  Although there is a ton of information in it, it's not overwhelming.  Eric even has the app on his iPhone.  I even got the next one in the series, the one focused on the first year of the baby's life.  That's how awesome the series is.

 

Let's Panic About Babies

Get it on Amazon!

   Seriously, how can you look at that cover and not giggle?!

While What to Expect...may give you a ton of useful information and really prepare you for pregnancy and childbirth, Let's Panic brings a TON of humor to the table!  If you don't like sarcasm and dry humor, move along because this is NOT for you.  For everyone else, prepare to laugh and possibly pee on yourself if you are already pregnant (admit it...you've already laughed/sneezed/coughed etc so hard you've peed on yourself).  It's so funny that I showed it to my OB and she used up roughly ten minutes of our appointment flipping through and laughing hysterically.  She then took it to a few of the other OBs on the floor to show them.  They all wrote the title of the book down.  It's by far my favorite pregnancy book.

What you didn't know

As I near the end of my pregnancy, I'm not just looking forward to finally having Stephen in my arms but I'm really looking forward to having my body back.

The first six months of pregnancy were so easy for me!  I felt like I was special because there was no morning sickness, no bad pregnancy symptoms that really hindered my life, etc.  And then the third trimester hit and I learned that the joke was on me.  Funny enough, many of the symptoms that I began to experience in my third trimester were things that I never knew affect pregnant women. 

So, here's my PSA to those women out there that think that after the morning sickness, pregnancy is a breeze.  It's just a small run down of the pregnancy issues I've come in contact with over the last few months that I'd never knew were possible.

1. Sounding like the new lead baritone of a chorale group or one of those old slot machine junkies who sucks on eight cigarettes at a time

Seriously, my speaking voice dropped probably a total of 6-8 pitches in a matter of weeks.  You think I'm kidding?  Half of my friends and family don't recognize my voice over the phone.  One who is near and dear to my heart breaks out into giggles every time we talk on the phone because she thinks I sound so weird.  Sometimes when I start speaking, I sound like that woman from Beetlejuice who is like the gate keeper to the afterlife.  You know the one...with the slit in her neck that she exhales through?

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Yeah.

2. Baby-is-sucking-up-all-my-blood Carpal Tunnel

So it turns out that there is a form of carpal tunnel that is caused by pregnancy.  "How?" you ask.  Well, in your arms you have some awesome nerves.  As your body starts to produce more fluids to help baby grow into the large, life-source sucking amoeba it will become, it causes those nerves to swell.  In case you didn't know, nerves can be pretty finicky and uppity.  They like their personal space.  So the second they start getting a little squeeze, apparently, they will sometimes throw themselves on the floor like a three year old mid-tantrum and refuse to do anything.  Long story short, my right hand hasn't had full feeling in it for months.  Sometimes, I poke my fingertips just to make sure that there's some circulation there.  And I'm scared to paint my fingernails because if my fingers turn purple and threaten to fall off, I feel like I'd be able to tell by the color under my nails.  No, I don't have scientific evidence to support that theory other than I'm NINE MONTHS PREGNANT AND I SAID THAT'S HOW IT IS.

3. Snoring

There isn't a cutesy way to describe this.  Because it's not cute.  When you have a husband that sleeps lighter than a feather, snoring is not cute.

4. Drooling

At night, I turn into an overweight rottweiler.

While sleeping:

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I know.  It's a total turn on.

5. Low platelets

Part of the fun of being a fetus is sucking your "host" dry of anything that they require in order to survive. In some ways, a fetus can be compared to a vampire.  Hence the low platelets.  So what does that mean for mommy who has completely sacrificed her body, and let's face it, the rest of her life, for this allegedly adorable baby?  On the surface, it means that if she bumps her leg, a massive bruise the size of Canada develops.  Or if she cuts herself, you'd swear her femoral artery had been slit.  Alright, that's dramatic because that's only in extreme cases.  However, I recently found out that if my platelet count gets low enough, and I go into labor, I can't have an epidural.

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That'll be my face during labor (why not invite the entire family to witness this miracle of life, right?).  Don't worry.  I'm going to trim my nails before labor that way Eric doesn't have any lasting scars on his arms from me attempting to rip his skin off while I'm struggling through a contraction.

I'm adding to my hospital bag a strip of leather to bite down on, holy water to be sprinkled over me to help exorcise the demon, and a list of all the people I have a grudge against because I'm fairly certain labor will give me the courage to finally get some closure with them.

6. Flesh eating disease that competes with leprosy

(I realize that the title of this symptom probably doesn't make sense.  Guess what?  I'm super pregnant so I do what I want!)

PUPPP.

If you become pregnant, and someone mentions you might have this, please call me.  I will immediately arrive by your side with two ice chests.  One will be full of frozen ice packs.  The other will be filled with pints of your favorite ice cream.  The best part?  They will refill automatically on their own.  How?  Because the man who did this to you (because believe me, HE DID) will be on call to make sure that neither of those ice chests goes empty or that the contents defrost.

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No that's not a picture of my skin.  I wouldn't want you to vomit while reading these posts now would I?  If you want to learn more about PUPPP, here's the wikipedia article on it (because wikipedia is infallible).

Here's the shortened version:

It starts on your big ole belly.  As if seeing yourself at nine months pregnant isn't hard enough because you have a bowling ball hanging off your body where there used to be a flat tummy (IT WAS FLAT!), add to it this crazy redness that slowly appears.  You can feel the tiny hives starting to form and there's an itch taking place.  Within two days, BAM!  You'd SWEAR that you have a localized case of chicken pox or poison ivy.  

It gets better.

Try having this torment wrap itself around your feet.  My feet are now so swollen from the rash and because I'm ginormous that I can no longer wear my shoes.  NONE of them.  So what do I wear?  Eric's slip on sandals.  That's right.  I have clown feet with this bizarre rash that makes grown men cry and women vomit or pass out when they see them.  It's now on my arms as well so one of the few areas of my body that was once untouched by pregnancy, now looks like it may leap out and suck the face off the person next to me.

It gets better.

So you may be thinking, "hey, it really can't be that bad!  it's just a rash!"  Tell that to my face.  I dare you.  Because the fact of the matter is that there is NOTHING that relieves this itch.  NOTHING.  I repeat: ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY NOTHING that relieves this itch.

-"Oh but Caroline, what about benadryl?"

As if I haven't tried that.  Benadryl just makes me a little drowsy.  So I'm half asleep while I try not to scratch my skin off with a cheese grater.

-"Have you tried oatmeal baths?"

Yup.  And while these are luxurious as I attempt to curl up into a fetal position in the bath to make sure that every infected spot of my body is submerged in the bath, I can't stay in the bath all day.  Or even more than half an hour considering the water does start to turn cold.  Plus, coming out of the bathtub smelling like a bakery just makes me hungry.  AGAIN.

-"How about medicated creams?"

You know why these work?  Because you are rubbing the infected spot.  Once you stop rubbing in the cream, the itch begins again.  So when it's time to go to bed, not only am I wearing an arm brace for my carpal tunnel, a nasal strip in a VERY feeble attempt to curb my snoring, a body pillow to support my growing belly so that my legs don't slide out of my hip socket, I also smell like a walking pharmacy.

Seriously, why wouldn't Eric want to try to have another baby with me?

This PSA is brought to you by:

Beauty

Ashley over at The Shine Project has announced that the month of June is going to be focused on body image.  To kick off the month, the challenge this week is to define beauty.

This is kind of an interesting project for me because let's face it, at 9 months pregnant, my body is completely different from what it has been.  

I don't think that beauty is defined by a weight range or body shape, a specific hair color, an eye color, or a set of sparkling pearlies.

Beauty is confidence.

Beauty is the feeling of my baby boy kicking me, even if I'm certain I'm developing internal injuries from repetitive kicks in the same spot.

I sometimes wonder what is happening to the girls that are growing up now.  Where is the confidence?  Where is their assurance in their body image?

I've never considered myself to be gorgeous.  I think that I have my moments when I can be quite captivating (seriously, have you seen my eyes?  They are fantastic!).  I'm glad that I can say that although I've had my pitfalls, my body image has never been seriously tainted.  I worry about the girls who look in the mirror and because they don't see a 5'10", 105 pound girl reflected back, they feel that they are less than or that there is something wrong.

I've had more of an hourglass figure for my entire life and honestly, I love it.   When I was looking for a wedding dress, I didn't want to look like Cinderella.  I wanted to look like Jessica Rabbit.

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There are so many ways to define beauty and honestly, I don't think it's something that I can really set a definition to.  But I can say that it is not a specific shape or size of a person.  And it's also different for everyone.

However, if your definition of what is beautiful begins to take over your life and leads to potentially dangerous actions or reactions, perhaps it's time to reevaluate beauty...

Couponing?

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As a soon-to-be mommy, I am definitely all about saving money.  Considering that my work time will be cut down to part time after our bundle of joy arrives, I understand the importance of saving a buck or two wherever we can.  So, when I heard about TLC's new show, Extreme Couponing, I got really excited about being able to gain possibly some new tricks and tips on how to save money on our grocery bill.  I've used coupons in the past and since we shop at King Soopers, I treasure our King Soopers card and watching the number shrink at the checkout counter.  Unfortunately, I can't seem to find the full episodes of the show online (if you know where to find it, please let me know!).

After watching clips and clips of the show, though, there are a couple of things that strike me.  

1) These people have a lot of extra space to stockpile.  Although I don't completely agree with some of the forum trollers who claim these people are just as bad as hoarders, I do think that there's a line that should be drawn there.  There's an expiration date on salad dressing, people, and let's face it: if you have 25 bottles of salad dressing sitting in your basement and there are only three members in your family, do you really think you are going to get through that stash before the expiration date hits on one of those bottles?  And was it worth it if the bottle does expire?  If so, then kudos to you.  But for me, that would annoy the crap out of me.

2) I was a bit bummed by what these people were saving their money on.  Before I go any further, let me clarify something: buy what you want at the grocery store and eat what you want.  That's your lifestyle choice.  Our choice is to eat primarily fresh foods, meaning we stray from canned foods and try to eat as cleanly as possible.  This creates an issue though when trying to coupon.  The coupons aren't on the fresh foods and vegetables in the grocery store.  So, when I look to this show for inspiration, it's disappointing to me because I look at what these people spend their money on and it's mostly spent on processed foods.  But that's just not what we spend our money on so it's hard to find a way to save on that.

Although we don't spend an enormous amount of money on groceries, I'd like to see our bill get a little lower.  But I have to wonder if it's possible to get it any lower than it is at this point.  Since I'm awake at 5 am though, maybe that's what I'll do for the next half hour before I have to start getting ready for work: research.